@cutedingus: *wakes up*
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@cogentanalysis: "I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won't want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!" - cats
@stephenjmolloy: [Awards ceremony] "And winner of 'The Most Unusual Name of the Year' goes to... drum roll please..." Drumroll Please: "Thanks so much!"
@nbadag: FRIEND: haha she's so cute—say it for him honey HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
@WeissBrandon: Name the only building in the world with 80,000 stories The library (My 6yo told me to tweet this)