If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
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Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.