*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
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Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I鈥檓 not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
70鈥檚 horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 馃檮
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 馃槄
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
It looks like someone put their IKEA G眉sen together wrong.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I鈥檝e performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven鈥檛 gotten even one date out of it.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.