Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
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guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.