I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
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PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks