Pigeon open mic night.
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Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
happy valentine’s day to me