Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
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Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it