@hyperblastchic: Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
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@DiamondLou69: Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
@EndhooS: [Fairground] Son: Daddy can I have a balloon? Me: If you're good. Son: Good at what? Me: Buying your own balloons
@: This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
@TheToddWilliams: GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood ...do you know what I'm thinking? PSYCHIC COP: Yes GOOD COP: Oh right