@hyperblastchic: Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
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@kalindi_rana: I can't feel my face when I'm with you, but I love it. Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn't even funny the first time.
@jwoodham: Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
@ocourtneyno: When you accidentally type "me" instead of "my" I read your tweets as if you are a leprechaun.