Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
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i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
lol
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
This hospital has everything
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother