[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
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Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.