Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
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If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them