Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
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My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.