[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
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Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome