the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
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When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”