*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
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Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Can Happiness buy money?
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.