Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
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The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
No way!
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF