Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
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If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching