Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
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I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
me before I type out affect or effect
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.