Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
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One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no