[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
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How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…