[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
You Might Also Like
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.