@Juicedballs: Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
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@HomeWithPeanut: *Gets bit by spider* *I don't get powers* *Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
@jumpdashark: My tombstone will read: If You Don't Know Me By Now, You Will Never Ever Ever Know Me.
@GingerHotDish: Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all. 16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
@adult_mom: I hate when people ask if my newborn is a "good baby" and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks