Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
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I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u