Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
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[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!