Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
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I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.