@SoulYodeler: Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
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@beisswrandon: The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you're going to donate them to charity.
@stevezorz: Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
@Kristen_R5: summer is real cute until every frickin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell
@HatfieldAnne: Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: "DON'T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!"