Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
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Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
looks legit
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
My dating profile:
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.