There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.