Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
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An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it