@noogscorner: Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper "Perfect. Master will love you." This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace...
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@Mayhem_Monica: My boss told me to dress for the job I want; not the job I have. I'm now in a disciplinary meeting for wearing my Batman costume to work.
@JPHaddadio: My dog's frightened to walk across shiny floors and won't eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he'd be a flop out in nature.
@caliluvgirl77: [first date] Boy: so where are you from? Me: [points to all you can eat sign] I live here now.
@MindyFurano: Flipped over my therapist's writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with "shut up" written in every blank.