Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
You Might Also Like
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?