Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
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Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
lost dog
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
TODAY
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
What’s so funny?
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!