[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
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therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
My dress code is business-casualty.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?