walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
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Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Sounds like a bargain
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower