walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
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If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”