I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
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My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Y’all ready for this
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
it is time once again
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.