[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
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THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Worth the read.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie