INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
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*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!