Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
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Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
My dog after a walk in the woods.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist