Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
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Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
For anyone who needs this today
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???