@biorhythmist: Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
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@LizHackett: THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I'm drunk enough, I'll tell you. ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let's do this.
@ericacanrant: If you say I'm getting fat again Aunt Betty, I'll make a "anything for 5 dollars" ad on Craigslist with your name and number.
@laurenlapkus: I'm not kidding Santa is waiting outside my house til it's "late enough" to go down my chimney