Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
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hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Snapes on a plane.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD