@Brianhopecomedy: Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I'll sleep in the other room.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@ObscureGent: Home Alone teaches us that a child can't pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
@therealeatwood: JONATHAN EDWARDS: God abhors a sinner and holds him over the flames of hell like some loathsome insect LOATHSOME INSECT: Wow I’m right here
@ErrenMichaels: [First person to ride a horse] 'I'm going to sit on that thing and I don't care how angry it gets.'
@OfficeofSteve: Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window