@Brianhopecomedy: Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I'll sleep in the other room.
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@dinokitten: *at adoption center* "Okay yeah they're all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that"
@Underchilde: Hey, remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? Good times!
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can't possible afford.
@andylassner: Never trust anyone who says you need to come out of your shell because let's start with the fact that they think you're a turtle