Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
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Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup