Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
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Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea