Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser