You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
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[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Breaking news:
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…