Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
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8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.