Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
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An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
🤣🤣💀
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”