@osoplain: Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
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@david8hughes: [sees a dog about to get run over] Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close [sees a cat about to get run over] Me: car coming
@KelgoreTrout: "911 whats your emerge-" I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE THESE PANTS OFF WITHOUT TAKING OFF MY SHOES
@hippieswordfish: lobster christian grey: 'my tastes are very.....singular' *opens closet door revealing hundreds of rubber bands*
@MrJeberling: Once while eating bacon I said I was "getting piggy with it" and now I have no friends.