[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
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Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
A new level of troll.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother