Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
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Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I didn’t realize that was an option
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.