[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
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Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
My dad.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.