@iQuoteComedy: Walking around the kitchen like Pac-Man when you're hungry.
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@jared_ish: I am not "aware" of any "laws" that "forbid" the use of excessive "air quotes" officer "Barnes."
@XplodingUnicorn: [5-year-old and 3-year-old scream at each other] Me: Is that how your mom and I settle arguments? 5: You want me to sleep on the couch?
@Danny_McH2O: I like that the doctor always asks if I'm a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit. No shit? Thanks. Here's all my money.